Of Runner's High: The Science behind Troubled Romance
by Mercurial Weather
Summary: The cycle of hurt and comfort is very easy to establish because all the components to enforce it exist within us. Responses that have evolved to keep you alive are ironically twisted into a hurtful vicious cycle that makes you want to die. Let me tell you of the science behind it.


Of Runner's High, the Flight or Fight Response: The Science behind Troubled Romance

"_The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too." Ernest Hemingway in the collected short stories Men without Women (1927)_

_AN: I want to thank my dad, who is a neurologist and is recovering very nicely from a bout of chest angina. Thanks for being such a great dad and for acting as a consultant in this rant. You always have my back and now, I hope you know I have yours. I love you daddy. I also thank Dr. D, my shrink for lending me a couple of articles on Power Dynamics by Ellen Sherwood PhD published in Psychiatric Annals that were really helpful. I'm doing these diatribes to help me work out some things for an Albus –Gellert fic I'm writing. I am aware ranting about wizarding chess, dueling, thermodynamics, time traveling and the science behind troubled romantic relationships does not exactly fall in the realm of fanfiction, but they relate to topics often broached in the Harry Potter fandom, so I do think in a way they belong here. No offense is intended by any of it and it might even help you untangle some of your own writing Gordian knots._

OK, first of all, I've mentioned it elsewhere but it is worth mentioning it again: in real life, troubled, let alone abusive, relationships are toxic and at times even lethal. You wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy to be caught up in one. If a friend calls you to tell you that he or she has been abducted by a sadistic handsome devil or a gorgeously tortuous mistress, you call the police, you don't cheer.

That being said, those types of relationships are so much fun to watch on the screen or read about while you sip a Joy Division (my favorite absinthe cocktail) or a double espresso (with a dollop of whipped cream and shavings of 75 percent cacao dark chocolate) or an ice-cream soda (cherry soda and vanilla ice-cream for me, please). Choose your own age appropriate favorite drink, sit back and enjoy while we dissect the binomial relationship of pleasure and pain which is wired in our body chemistry, in our psyche and in our collective unconscious that make up our stories.

First of all, we will leave aside moral considerations for the purpose of this rant. Mostly. Yeah, I'm Epicurean. I honestly think we have an obligation to search what makes us happy. Now, nuancing that: happiness comes in a lot of shapes and sizes. As long as you don't hurt others without their permission and or hurt them badly; as long as you do not trespass upon the civil rights of others or irreversibly damage your life in your pursue of it, my opinion -and it is just an opinion- is that you are entitled to whatever shape and size of happiness works for you.

I mean that in real life. In the world of fanfiction were stakes are far, far lower, there is one entire sub-genre devoted to exploring troubled relationships: Comfort and Hurt. It is not really hard to understand, since in a lot of our source material the path to love is rocky, to say the least. I mean, leaving aside discussions of how well canon handled the pairing of the protagonist in HP, not one of them found love easily. If they found it at all. Out of all the adult figures the only ones who manage to navigate it with some grace visibly are Arthur and Molly Weasley.

In HP fanfiction you can find an ample spectrum of fics in which the troublesome part goes anywhere from depicting damaged guys and gals that mean well but still rip their love interests to pieces, to bona fide jerk boyfriends or girlfriends that destroy self-esteems, honors and lives; all through an array of escalating levels of BSM, right down to Blue Beard castle scenarios. I've seen versions of those in all ratings from K(?) to the ones I write: M. Pardon the chess reference, ? indicates a possible error, can these really be K? The parent in me highly doubts it and is a bit troubled by it. Leaving that aside: I admit they are like car crashes I cannot help but see. I love them and I think I'm not the only one.

Part of the reasons is due to the nature of what makes effective narrative. I think a fundamental reason is part of us likes to watch and read about people struggling. Even the best of us gets a kick out of the girl tied up to the railway and the guy hanging from a cliff. That is why damsels in distress and cliff hangers have entered language with honors. OK, even if we do hope that the girl is not squashed by the upcoming train and the guy manages to avoid plummeting to a splattering death, a part of us enjoys watching them going through all the painful process before reaching their happily ever after, if they do. We've developed a taste for the not so happy ending…

Struggle comes with the storytelling territory. Unless you are doing something really avant-garde and artsy that defies normal narrative structure… you are probably going for some sort of buildup, a climax scene and resolution. This can be built upon, but, in the end, the structure is likely going to be that. Within that narrative structure the riveting stories demand action. Now, action typically means trouble.

Quiet lovingly relationships are great in life and the big bad killers in a stories. I have yet to find one single fic that fantasizes of Arthur and Molly Weasley going over their bills. I once tried to write about a couple of friends that, without many incidents, realized over time that they loved each other, married, had a bunch of kids, went through some hurdles to pay the mortgage and raise the aforementioned kids, managed nevertheless; and, finally, reached old age in relative happiness. My story ends with a close up to the epitaph their children and grandchildren write on their tombs: Exemplary in death as in life. Shed a small tear, fade black to: The end. As appealing as that sounds in real life, even I was bored after the first few lines. Needless to say the story flat lined and I dropped it with more than a little relief.

Let us go back to the classics to try to explain why that is: Protagonist comes from the Greek prōtos (first in importance) and agōnistēs (agent/ participant). Agony has the same root as agōnistēs which is agōn a struggle or contest. Contest, as the pagan of good times understood it, was a test. It could be a test of strength, a test of speed, a test of your ability to balance a plate on a stick with your nose or a test to down cupcakes without breathing… In the end a test is a trial were you are required to prove your worth.

Initially agony meant a physical struggle, but has in later date become mental suffering; probably in recognition that those things which trouble the soul are usually just as bad as those which trouble the body. Haven't you faced a mental or psychical struggle that feels just like running up a steep hill or trying to balance something on your nose? Mental agony can be as bad as physical pain.

Harry Potter is a book filled with outsiders, outcasts, underdogs, unlikely heroes and downright misfits, and is precisely that which makes the characters compelling. It is quite a commentary on our society that a book that is meant to appeal to those who feel they don't fit in becomes a best seller. It is not a good comment, I fear. But the point is that each and every one of the characters suffers well. The fact that they live in a ghetto helps their suffering (in the King's English the Wizarding World with its Statue of Secrecy and its dangerous streets kids cannot be safely left alone in and murderous tattooed Death Eaters gangs is a ghetto). The fact they are growing up in the middle of a war their government does not bother to recognize as such, aids greatly to our heroes suffering too. Finally the core of protagonist are going through the growing pains of adolescence; so yeah, they suffer extremely well.

Back to theory: Contests have winners and losers. Some are worthy, some are not. Once upon a time when our stories were simpler and suspension of disbelief was easier to achieve, that struggle of the protagonist, if faced with honor, usually meant some sort of reward. The eponymous happy ending. Mind you, that reward might very well be turning into a flower or a star, which is not really a reward, if you ask me. Regardless, there was a relationship between pain and gain, however tenuous.

Now let us talk physiological: Pain and gain are wired inside us and that is not a metaphor. There are synergies that enforce the relationship between those two principles in the way our mind thinks. And the relationship exist in the first place because of how our bodies work.

Allow me to explain with an example: Do you run? Do you do any physical activity in a committed way? If you have done a sport in near competitive level, you know what I'm talking about. I used to swim medley relay (I was breast stroke, which, given I'm a busty girl, was a source of comedic relief for others and a source of grief to me). There is a moment in which you feel you just cannot push yourself any further but, truth be told, you can. And if you do, if you push yourself to the limit and pass it, the reward is an incredible high. It is called runner's high. Before you close the fic and report me, there are no illegal substances involved in this high, all the substances are inside you, and your body caters them to you to try to prevent you from succumbing to the pain.

When you push your body to the limit it hurts. It is not mild discomfort, it is not your body telling…uh… perhaps you should stop doing this… It hurts badly. It is not a plea, it is a bellow, it is a howl and you just choose to ignore it. My dad could pick himself up after landing on his wrist and throw the ball when he was playing baseball. My mom played volleyball until her hands bled. I swam until my stomach twitched (breast stroke's competitive kick develops strong abdominal muscles and while it does, it hurts like hell). Being an ASD'ed, little Goth girl I was an unlikely jock, but I can confess it now: I was a jock: guilty as charged. I ignored the pain for the team and the win and I loved every single moment of it: from the grueling training to the pre-competition jitters right until the moment when we stood in the podium and even when we lost.

If you wonder why on earth jocks keep chastising themselves past the point that would make normal human beings relent, wonder no more. It feels bad, but then it feels incredibly good. You create microscopic tears in your muscles with the effort and the inflammatory process liberates lactic acid, in response to that your brain orders a massive release of endorphins. Endorphins are neurotransmitters, substances that convey messages through your nervous system, which work pretty much like opioids. They hit your frontal cortex with almost the same feelings you get when you fall in love, win a prize, ride a rollercoaster or have an orgasm. It can be addictive. It also has a lot to do with another wired up conduct: that of the fight or flight response.

OK, a small detour: there is also a psychological component to runner's high. When you get things right you get validation. Winning is its own reward. We all love winning and we all love winners. You get a sense of accomplishment. Your self-esteem grows. And, if winning is a team effort, you get a sense of belonging. That is really hard to beat. Harry Potter starts like the boy in the cupboard, timid, almost nullified while his friends push forward and help him, well, basically they help him survive. Let us face it, he would have probably end up being toast in the first book if he had been left on his own, magical love protection notwithstanding. He needed more than a little help from his friends. That help also creates a bond between the characters, they are joined in hardship and that is a very good glue.

Harry progressed and was reaffirmed precisely because he survived almost unbeatable odds, his character was rounded up, and he grew. By the end he became the hero he was expected to be in the first place. Even when public opinion turns against him, he is affirmed enough to be able to move past it, follow his quest right to the moment when he stands in that forest, speaking to his dead and goes out walking tall to face death. The little boy in the cupboard at the beginning of the series would have never been able to do that. That cycle of struggles and rewards that he lives through seven books temper him, as if he were a well-honed sword. That is what people talk about when they talk about experiences that build up your character. Now, to build first you have to clear the ground to make room. Out with the old, in with the new. And, yeah, clearing the ground hurts, it hurts like hell.

Now, let us get back to orgasmic rewards and the flight or fight response. You don't see the relationship between those two? It is all about piking, high points, drops and adrenaline. Allow me to explain. rollercoaster rides, orgasm, stories and the response to a threat known as flight or fight, follow the same pattern: there is a buildup, a flat part that is sustained for a while, a climax, and then a rapid drop.

You can actually chart it. It begins with adrenaline building up your defenses, getting you battle ready. All hands on deck, so to speak. You either run or throw a punch but you cannot remain indifferent, to survive you must react and your body is making sure that you are at your absolute pike of concentration and toughness to be able to do so effectively. A bevy of body reactions that affect even your blood vessels all are working to give you clarity, focus and pain resistance in a bid to have you survive. That is the essence of flight or fight: getting ready for the showdown. You are wired up and if endorphin is hitting your nervous system at the very same time… Boy you are invincible or at least you feel like it. Adrenaline also inhibits pain, it allows you to move pass it. That is why people shine under duress, your body sends adrenaline to keep you moving through hell and high water.

The showdown comes and it passes, you've managed to walk from the fight, either because you escaped or because you beat your opponent, both are wins as far as your body is concerned. Adrenaline's job is done and it is the turn for noradrenaline and endorphins to be released. We have already talked about endorphins. Noradrenaline tells your body that it can relax, you have lived to fight or flight another day, give yourself a pat on the back and take the rest of the day off. You get this feeling of mellowness that can make you purr like a kitten.

It is a rollercoaster ride and noradrenaline is just that moment after screaming your head off when you are getting out of the cart, telling your friend how great it was. Some people want to get right back in, some other like to bask in the afterglow. To each its own.

The point here is that pleasure and pain are indissolubly linked within our bodies and that, in turn, makes them be linked within our psyche. That is why it is so easy to enter a vicious cycle in a relationship with someone that beats you with one hand and caresses you with the other. The cycle of hurt and comfort is very easy to establish because all the components to enforce it exist within us. Responses that have evolved to keep you alive are ironically twisted into a hurtful vicious cycle that makes you want to die.

There are some fine examples of toxic relationships in Harry Potter. Starting with the one that gave birth to Tom Riddle. But not only witches using Dark Arts to bewitch their Muggle jackass have rocky love affairs. Even the good young protagonist have their brushes with this kind of insanity. OK, teenagers are works in progress and, frankly, we usually end up really hurting the ones close to us–however unintentionally.- Our friends, our siblings are the people with whom we learn to test our strengths, our emotions and, sure, our fangs. Have you watched puppies playing? Once in a while one gives another one a rather nasty bite, just like the wounds we inflict on our friends, siblings and lovers when we are young. I'm still very good friends with my high school pack, we have managed to maintain our relationship, but, truth be told, that has been in despite of all the grief we gave each other, not because we didn't give each other any grief. Ours survived the roughhousing, some relationships don't.

The same can be applied to Harry and his close friends. At times they hurt each other even without actively biting each other, because some of our best torturers are inside our head and the stories we tell ourselves about what our friends and love interest expect from us can be better than any Soviet or Chinese technique to crack cold war spies. We can give ourselves a bucketful of mental agony just by the assumptions we make about the people we care for. There are so many examples of this in the books that I won't go through the full list. I think that in the search for the Deathly Hallows there are some of the finest. Granted, Hermione, Ron and Harry were facing powerful Dark Arts artifacts, but they only worked so well because all the elements of self-doubt, resentment and jealousy were already inside their minds before the horcruxes started to work on them.

I think one of the best examples of a toxic relationship that has people manipulating each other and, well, basically tearing each other to pieces until they screw up all chance of future happiness for each other is the one between Albus Dumbledore and Gellert Grindelwald. I mean, even when it is evident, that they are beyond reconciliation -killing family is the paradigm of a deal breaker- they stay within each other's orb of influence and are unable to move pass that failed relationship into another healthier one. The really scary part of it is that they seem to be both coming from a place of genuine affection when they derail both their lives. Yes, it is actually tragic that they seem to care for each other and yet, their involvement not only has dear consequences for each other but for the entire Wizarding World and even the Muggle one. Love does not conquer all.

The thing about pain and pleasure, comfort and hurt being wired in our instinctual responses is that the good intentions you have in regards of a love affair don't count. Aside from the common knowledge that good intentions pave the way to hell, intentionality does not play a role in the responses your body has to confrontation and stress. The other person may not be trying to hurt you or stress you out, but your body will respond according to what you perceive as pain or as a threat. You may not even be trying to react, in fact, you may actually be trying not let it get to you, but, unless you are a yogi with perfect control of how your blood cruises your veins, chances are you are going to react just like the average Joe and get caught up in the pain and pleasure cycle.

Once the cycle has been established it is hard to escape it. Your body chemistry is going to be working against you. And it does not have to be something awful like a psychologically or physically abusive relationship. It can be smaller, but equally damaging. Have you ever been in a relationship in which you keep having the same exact argument over and over again? It may have started as a minor disagreement, it may have started as a little misunderstanding but it plays and plays as the bass line of your love melody. You really have nothing further to say about it, you really don't want to go over it one more time, but that argument is like Sisyphus' rock that you keep pushing upwards, only to have it fall back again endlessly. You may even know what triggers it, you may even know beforehand that the fight is going to start and why, but you are unable to escape it. You want to roll your eyes up and walk away, but, instead, your muscles tense, your heart rate accelerates… Adrenaline courses through your veins and crash, bang: let the showdown begin… And then, you make up. Endorphins flush your body like a drug and you are so happy and the world is a good place right until you hit your Sisyphus' rock once more and the cycle resets. Everyone from the outside tells you to quit, but you can't, you are going to give it just one more chance before quitting… Yeah, just one more chance.

Don't worry, we have all been there and done that. It is kind of a rite of passage. Almost a proof of your belonging to the adult world. You have to find a lovable jerk that makes you suffer just right. Someone who can build you up so high just to bring you down so low. It will be life changing, epic, ground breaking, it will leave you elated and devastated and gloriously happy and dreadfully sad. And you will think that if you lose it your life will end and you may even seriously consider ending it. Part of the rite of passage to earn your place this side of the border of cynic adulthood, is to find out that it is not sustainable: and no, it won't kill you, unless you let it. You can build the strength to walk away from the cycle of pleasure and pain. And you'll live: A little less hopeful, a whole lot more cautious, but you will survive. You will always remember that love affair. It may even be a highlight in your emotional CV. But once it is on your rear-view mirror, you'll mostly feel relieved that you have left it behind.

You will be fine, unless you get hooked to the highs and the lows. Remember, the substances coursing your body act like opioids and those are addictive. If you get caught up in that addiction, well, then toxic relationships can become a pattern… a very dangerous pattern that is really hard to quit.

OK, now, what happens if one or both people involved in the troubled romance are actually trying to get the upper hand and aware of the damage they are doing? Adversarial relationships can again be very much fun from the storytelling point of view because power dynamics make for great action packed, emotionally charged stories. I'm going to address it from the viewpoint of the captor and captive dynamic because the captor tactics to weaken the will and break down the captive to achieve total subordination to the master-captor and the coping mechanism develop by the captive to deal with prolonged captivity -including Stockholm syndrome- are well studied and can be readily applied to relationships in which one or both parties are trying to get the upper hand. These usually develop into master-subservient or codependent relationships. I intend to use a handful of captor techniques explored in the studies of POW in long term imprisonment and use everyday life examples to illustrate them, because I think these are the ones which work best in the context of fanfics.

One of the first captor tactics is to adapt and restrict the captive environment to guarantee that the captor's influence is the most prevalent and driving force of the captive's life. This is usually done by promoting isolation and denial of access to avenues of communication, companionship and can also be achieved by promoting uncertainty whether through limited information or outright misdirection. This sounds fancy but a boyfriend assuming the role of captor lying and coercing to oblige the girl who loves him madly to cut links with her friends; doing everything in his power to limit or taint the interaction between the girl and her family to create the feeling of isolation is just the same. The evil boyfriend can close the deal by constantly supervising phone calls, access to social media, etc. so the sole source of information on the world and how to perceive it comes from him. And it can be very easily done in the name of the boy loving the girl so much that he wants to be with her all the time. Granting him influence over every aspect of her life. Relinquishing your decision power and seeing all through the master-captor's point of view is a classic coping mechanism for the captive to be able to pull through in isolation.

A second very well-known captor tactic is deprivation of adequate life-sustaining and mentally healthy environment. OK, the captor can just throw the captive in a cell and starve them. But the captor can also achieve that in a subtle ways by, for example: withholding affection. I mean, once the captor has managed to isolate the captive and made their world revolve around the master-captor, withholding affection can be a very effective torture. A girlfriend given the boy that is hooked up on her like a drug the silent treatment can be one hell of a kick in the groin for boy who is convinced he doesn't have anyone else in his corner. Especially if the withholding occurs with no discernible cause so that the boy is honestly perplexed as to what caused the girl-captor to suddenly give him the cold shoulder. Once the girl captor "forgives him" and takes him back that boy is going to be one very obedient puppy. Unquestioning loyalty is a coping mechanism when the master-captor is volatile and has complete control over the sources of sustenance for the captive.

The third usual captor tactic is punishment in the form of indirect or direct physical and or psychological abuse strategies. Again, arbitrary punishment being used to devastate self-esteem, prevent development of healthy mechanism for dealing with conflict and denying self-empowerment works best when the captive has absolutely no idea of why they are being punished for in the first place. Take a boyfriend or a girlfriend who is perpetually mystified by the reasons his or her significant other is constantly given them hell (name-calling, endless criticisms, epic shouting matches, you name it) then throw into the mix phrases like: "_Don't play dumb, you know perfectly well what you did"_, stir with healthy doses of self-doubt and, probably, self-hatred achieved through tactics one and two and you have a very powerful poisonous cocktail very few individuals will be able to withstand. Automatic assumption of guilt and an eternal quest for forgiveness is the usual coping mechanism to be able to swallow this cocktail and live.

The fourth and last captor tactic that we are going to address is interrogation structured to evoke information and confessions the captor can use to further its hold and influence over the captive. This one can begging soft and easy, by the master-captor pretending to be fascinated by the captive to glean information from them in order to use it later on. Also, whether you believe it or not, classic interrogation techniques work well in troubled romances. For example, the captor can go for endless repetitions of what is essentially the same question to crack the interrogated: "_Where have you been?" "Who was with you?" "What took you so long?" "Tell me again, where did you say you have lunch with Billy, was it?"_ They can be begging the reply: _"You weren't in the office, were you? You were with him, weren't you?"_ They can resort to guilt tripping: _"You don't longer love me?" "How could you do this to me after all I have done for you?" _Or they can go for putting words in the other person's mouth that provoke confrontation and promote stressful exchanges like: _"You think I don't know what you have been up to?! Y__o__u think I'm stupid, don't you?" _They all work just fine so the captive ends up giving up information, even if they have to invent it. The master-captor may even be better off if the captive caves and lies, because that way they can be punished and then the captor can drive them down all the fourth techniques once more. There are a couple of coping mechanism that captives can turn to: one is defiance, even mock defiance in order to get punished and the other one is complete submission.

In the end all coping mechanisms work only so far. Prolonged exposition to these treatments will result in all likelihood in the captive being broken by the master-captor. And as part of that break in their mental and, sometimes physical, integrity they may develop a bond with the master-captor that can easily pass itself for undying love.

In codependent relationships the roles of captor and captive can be shared and interchanged by both parties alternating the cycle of punishment and reward among them to create a really sick little Venus trap inside which the two codependent partners can be slowly digested. The dance can go on forever drawing the partners closer and then pushing them apart until one of the two drops dead. While you are writing your troubled romance story, remember there's no hell like the one the mind and body chemistry can give your characters. If it were only hell, perhaps that could be their saving grace, but the catch is there is also heaven waiting for them inside that hell. A heaven so good that they might be tempted to think that it is worth the hell that accompanies it.

People as smart as Albus Dumbledore and Gellert Grindelwald fall for that trap, so take heed. If you think Gellert was not codependent: Exhibit A: You are taking over the world, why obsess with a frigging school teacher and his pet animal wrangler for crying out loud? You had a blood oath that prevented him for intervening with your plot. Why not let him rot in his little school? I'm kind of rooting for Albus and I don't understand it either, unless Gellert was hooked too.

If you are keen on giving your character a fighting chance: How do you escape the trap? Doing things that promote your self-esteem. Drawing upon connectedness with people that really do care about you. Seeking help in developing your own healthier techniques for handling conflict. And, yes, walking away from tainted relationships that cannot be salvaged. I'm still not sure how well that works from the storytelling point of view, though.

In the end, I think what we like so much about stories of troubled love is that they allow us to live the cycle vicariously from a safe spot. You want to have the best seats in the theater, not be on stage when it comes to comfort and hurt. But, truth be told, I think one of the most powerful reasons to explain our love of it is that we can all relate to it. As I said, runner's high and fight or flight evolved as mechanisms that were in place to help us all live through tight spots when the danger is real. The problem is that they open the door for you to create vicious rat wheels in which to entrap yourself.

Now let me tell you something, there is no perfect love affair in real life, when you love someone you open yourself to them and that openness means that the person you love can reach the quick of you easily; that creates an opportunity for them to hurt you. They may not do it on purpose, but when you let someone in you let them in whole. You cannot filter what comes through that open door. Some will be good, some will be bad. As long as you remember that both of you matter, as long as you both treat each other with respect and kindness, you will live through the pain and enjoy all the pleasures that love can bring you.

Sadly, the only place you can have pleasure without some measure of pain is in make belief. And even in make belief perfection is kind of boring. Plus, having love, real love in your life is worth some grief. But that is just my opinion, and I'm a happily married middle-aged lady with a mediocre love story that you could never base a movie on, thank goodness. Granted, this happily married middle-aged lady still comes to this site to enjoy some drama safely from the best seats in the house. I enjoy when the characters suffer well and even stir the pot by adding my own stories to the mix. I rest calmly in the knowledge that I'm not the only one, we like our make belief to be realistic nowadays, and the close relationship between pleasure and pain is, after all, scientific fact.

Love is a powerful emotion. And powerful emotions makes us feel alive and drive our lives places we didn't think we would visit, which can be very enticing. Even if those feelings are negative and even if we are just experiencing them vicariously through our favorite characters. My take is: enjoy drama in fanfics while you make your real life safe and good. I have no statistical proof of it, but I think those two may be related. Owning our emotions is empowering and it gives us tools to handle them well. Plus getting to know the techniques allows us to have heads up and not fall in the traps. Knowledge is power. Trying to run from our emotions makes us vulnerable to them. Simulation can help train pilots for war, why can't it help us train for life? Let us enjoy the struggle of our characters while we glean from it the lessons that will allow us to avoid walking in their shoes for real.

We need to own our emotions in order to become the masters of them. Jim Morrison said it best so I'll end the rant with his words: "People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they are wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."


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